if only its not true...

this week had been very unease week for me as in emotionally and physically.......yup it really make me sad as well angry to myself as well my condition.......if only i can know early and then i able to change or improve how i look after myself esp my food.....

well i experiencing severe SOB which limit my activities esp when walking upstair or long distant....its new to me and it really scare me....but today i meet my doc again due for this SOB and she found out that my kidney might be in danger.........this really hit me....im not ready for this...why? i have seen people who suffer from kidney disease-they way they got poke on the neck, arm even belly make me freak out to death.....i dnt want it...it like you getting urself to urself into nightmare..

im scare right now and i dnt know how to make myself calm again.i havent talk my feeling with other people even to my mom who accompany me today....i just dnt let her see my emotiona i knw she also worry and afraid....i want to talk with her but i still nt confident if i cn control myself infront of her...she had suffer a lot because of me.. feel pity for her...i am the one who should look after her not the otherwise.....

i still cnt believe it happening to me...i having trying my very best to avoid it....the doc had increase my prenisolone up to 50mg which wil make me doZe off very easily and lucily she gave me a week off from school......but i really pray to Allah that this is not true...i dnt want my family to be suffer again bcoz of me anymore.....

new year..new resolution or not ?

it had been 1 week after the new year...2010...a year i hope will bring more happiness as well able to achieve some of my goals and dream...

well my only dream is to be healthy again and lead a normal life..it not that this SLE cant make me have normal life..what a normal life is it if you have to eat the medicine for the rest of your life and need to admitted to the hospital once a while and also need to have blood tranfusion..but on the same time i feel that it grateful with this disease as it help me to be more aware and kind with my surrounding. make me alert and appriciate more my life...Maybe this is my fate and i need to accept it with open heart...

What i need to say is special thanks to cik anum who being kind to answer and share with me about this disease..i am so envy with her courage and her patience dealing with this pains..i really hope i will be able like her some day.

for me eversince i was sick...i always think that everyday is a new day like a new year where people will make resolution and change something...by this way i will be more appreciate my time as today may be your day but tomorrow it might be or might be not your day..so i think it is best if i life on daily basis...