Letter to Lupus

Dear my dear lupus,

Now you had been become my shadow for the past 2 years. But I never really know who you are. I am trying to get know your more. Nothing can stop me from knowing you…In my mind, you are just my shadow who will only follow my path and try your best to stop me and make me feel sad or to achieve any dreams that I dream of….Sometimes you just such a jerk how like to attack when I am on the top of my happiness or during I am in middle of achieving something…You know when to pick the best time…but on other side, you did play nice and gentle with me…..you make me feel that I can achieve or do such ‘heavy or extreme’ tasks without any problems….. it left me in the most difficult situation…. You such a good players in someone life.

But nevertheless you did help me in dealing with most difficult situation. You help me to gain happiness and love from everyone who are surround me…It make me know that I am lucky to have such caring and supportive families as well friends who never stop support me morally and understand my situation….it make me feel lucky in life…yes I did glad to have you as my shadow…. I learn to know what true friendship is and treasure the moments…Thank you…

Apart from that you also help me in knowing and get closer to Allah. I really glad that I am able to get back to my starting points…. I believe that Allah who gave me this test and He the one who will make and choose the best for me in this life.

I learn to appreciate every single seconds that I had in life. I treasure the sweet, sad, frustrated as well happy moments that I had in life before leaving this life… I learn to forgive people and try my best to think and feel what other people in their shoes….. it really help me to be a better person in life. Although it might sound that I look mean or bad person before I know you, but this is what you taught me. Before I know you, I tend to miss look at some things or situation. I tend to look at ease at other problems or less concern about others… it never late to change rather than not changing at all….

You taught me well about how to take changes and hopes that available in life without feel afraid to take risk in every step. You challenge me to sacrifice what I like most and make me choose between my health and what I like most…you make me smile as well as cry…you make me strong like a knight..But on the same time you also make me feel like a chicken that afraid of sky falling over your head….you left me clueless in how to make you friends from foe….you did taught be to be strong in front of my love one even I am freaking afraid about what happen next…huh such a good pretender I am. All because of you dear…but I never regret to have you as my shadow…

Although I had rough time in dealing with life but you did bring happiness as well in my little life. I am glad that I am the chosen butterfly to have on my side and be my shadow..Although sometime I did forget about you by miss my medicines on purpose or due to busy…but I did proud of you as you make me believe that I am stronger that I am imagine..just what I hope now that you will not be too harsh with me and please dear give me warning sign if you want to attack me again…but now thank you for being kind with me and help me realizing my dream to graduate with flying colour…

Thank you my dear butterfly…

Love,

Your truly

in dilemma

today i had my monthly appointment...alhamdulilah everything goes well except that my cholesterol is increasing...haha..i think this is due i tend to eat more soup daging...

i did ask dr zakiah if it is possible that i can go study abroad next year despite my condition with sle...the good news is she said i can go continue my master as long as i eat my medication regularly... she said if i go to uk, i do need to treatment with the doctor there and she also added

that she will provide the letter abt my condition as well

now i am dilemma in choosing the right uni as well the course....plus personal statement which make me worry as i know that my PS need to be outstanding from others and unique and most important it is saying abt me...

i NEED to do my master next year as i cant promise my 'healthy' condition will be the same...

i can not promise i will be ok next months or next year..lupus did teach me to take the risk and be optimist as well to grab the chances that come...

Who drive your mind?

This question really interesting... Today we had stress management presentation done by Dr Chandran from Psychology department...

He is good in stress and happy management...He able to make us understand more detail about stress in easy way and humour..

This is what i learn from the presentation:

Stress is good and important in life. It act as stimulator and motivation

Stress and disease are STRONGLY connected....

Change the way you think and in your mind, then you can find the solution to the problems

You only can think well if you are calm..

Too many things can be your stress, but its the way your mind think will make it into 'good' or 'bad' stress

He also say that we as human are rich people.....

WHY?

Because we like to change our driver every second...Our driver here mean is who drive our mind....

We as human will absorb and record everything we see and feel. Example, in the classroom when a friend spread the news that all of us in the class will fail the course...our mind will start process the news and believe that we will all fail the test..Therefore in this moment, the mind is drive by the friend who spread the news..This can lead stress as well..

Then your mind will drive by food when lunch time come...you are confuse in choosing the food to eat...so this mean the food in the canteen is driving your mind...See many things can be your driver as well source of stress...

So it up to YOURSELF how to treat the stress as well your MIND

In order to change, YOU MUST READY AND WILLING TO DO IT...

Final year mode

Now i am in my final year in uni....some people say that final year, u will have less class and less work...but what about me right now.....

I am full with the research and report plus observation in school..

Sound crazy right.......but for me....this is what final year is.....Most of all........I LOVE it....

weird huh! BUt for me compare to the sickness and disease i got...this bizzare and busy moment make me preoccupied with it and distract me from my disease....

i am happy and syukur to Allah that i still can continue my studies and able to walk and do things. I am bless that I no long have the SOB which last time make me in difficult situation..

imagine you will SOB just walk few steps.....what if you walk in the uni and walk from carpark to your class, to the worst your class in second floor...totally SOB...

I really wish I can graduate with flying class next year

I am thinking of contining to master actually

but daddy did say once that i need to take care of my health first rather than going for master..

huhu..daddy please let me do the master, it might be my last chance as my condtion is unknown and unpredictable...while my dear lupus is kind to me...

September

September

the month that i will always waiting for

it seem like that all the happiness and good things are in this month

i always get this feeling every year

But this year is the best,well since i am with lupus

I feel half hearted to let it go....

Let see what happen in September...

My 24 Birthday (5 September)

Well this year, since my bday fall during the Holy month of Ramadhan, my dear bonda decide it would be nice to celebrate in plus giving sungkai for the occasion s well...Plus it also allow her to have doa selamat for me as i just got out from hospital after the iv methprednisonole treatment on previous day..

Hari Raya eve

Not like last year Raya (where i am not feeling well on the first raya as i only able to get out from hospital a day before raya due to suspect of H1N1 -luckily it was negatively) this year i had a blast raya ever i think since i got lupus. sort like belas dendam la.... i able to enjoy the moment with my dear family...Well i think most of my families esp my bonda and mama nini are worry about my condition...

i just want to make people surround me happy and i feel i had enough of all those sad, moody and sick air around me...let us appreacite the time left with smile...i want to me Ms Sunshine who bring happeiness to others....

Endless visit with renal

this might not sound like happy moment to you but i think the visit to the hospital really help me to know my 'real' condition esp my dear kidney....

on the first meeting, this doc, dr Asrar said that my creatinine is 400, that explain why the colour of my urine is yellowish, i had severe SOB, swollen legs...but after the iv methprednisolone it jump to 105...

Woa...that moment i feel i want to jump happily as it shows that the treatment is working on me...

Last week another good news...my prednosolone dose getting lower and the creatinine has become NORMAL -- 65....Alhamdulilah i manage to get it down..i dont want to have dialysis or kidney transplant....i want to use my own kidney...

September

till we meet again...

if only its not true...

this week had been very unease week for me as in emotionally and physically.......yup it really make me sad as well angry to myself as well my condition.......if only i can know early and then i able to change or improve how i look after myself esp my food.....

well i experiencing severe SOB which limit my activities esp when walking upstair or long distant....its new to me and it really scare me....but today i meet my doc again due for this SOB and she found out that my kidney might be in danger.........this really hit me....im not ready for this...why? i have seen people who suffer from kidney disease-they way they got poke on the neck, arm even belly make me freak out to death.....i dnt want it...it like you getting urself to urself into nightmare..

im scare right now and i dnt know how to make myself calm again.i havent talk my feeling with other people even to my mom who accompany me today....i just dnt let her see my emotiona i knw she also worry and afraid....i want to talk with her but i still nt confident if i cn control myself infront of her...she had suffer a lot because of me.. feel pity for her...i am the one who should look after her not the otherwise.....

i still cnt believe it happening to me...i having trying my very best to avoid it....the doc had increase my prenisolone up to 50mg which wil make me doZe off very easily and lucily she gave me a week off from school......but i really pray to Allah that this is not true...i dnt want my family to be suffer again bcoz of me anymore.....

new year..new resolution or not ?

it had been 1 week after the new year...2010...a year i hope will bring more happiness as well able to achieve some of my goals and dream...

well my only dream is to be healthy again and lead a normal life..it not that this SLE cant make me have normal life..what a normal life is it if you have to eat the medicine for the rest of your life and need to admitted to the hospital once a while and also need to have blood tranfusion..but on the same time i feel that it grateful with this disease as it help me to be more aware and kind with my surrounding. make me alert and appriciate more my life...Maybe this is my fate and i need to accept it with open heart...

What i need to say is special thanks to cik anum who being kind to answer and share with me about this disease..i am so envy with her courage and her patience dealing with this pains..i really hope i will be able like her some day.

for me eversince i was sick...i always think that everyday is a new day like a new year where people will make resolution and change something...by this way i will be more appreciate my time as today may be your day but tomorrow it might be or might be not your day..so i think it is best if i life on daily basis...